Learning to Say “No” - The Role of Therapy in Boundary Setting
- Cora Gathercole
- Dec 5, 2025
- 5 min read
Therapy can be one of the most powerful tools for learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. It gives you a structured supportive environment to explore when boundaries are hard and practice new ways of relating to yourself and others. We hear a lot about the importance of “setting boundaries”, but what does that actually look like in real life? Boundaries aren’t walls to keep people out, they are bridges that let connection happen with clarity, respect and self-awareness. They protect our peace, our values and create space for healthier relationships, with others and ourselves.
Let’s take a look at what each type of boundaries sound like in real life:
1. Physical Boundaries protect your personal space, physical needs and body. Having healthy physical boundaries ensure your body is respected and your physical needs are honored.
Examples:
Not wanting to be touched or hugged by certain people
Needing time alone to rest or recharge
Asking for personal space in crowded environments
Saying “I’m not comfortable with that kind of touch.”
2. Emotional Boundaries protect your feelings, emotional energy and capacity for emotional labor. Developing healthy emotional boundaries allow you to feel your feelings without being responsible for everyone else’s.
Examples:
Not tolerating emotional dumping or manipulation
Refusing to be blamed for someone else’s feelings
Saying “I’m not in the right headspace for this conversation right now.”
Taking space to process your emotions before responding
Not taking on guilt for someone’s else’s emotions
3. Mental/ Intellectual Boundaries protect your thoughts, beliefs, opinions and ideas. Developing healthy mental boundaries give you room to think independently without feeling invalidated.
Examples:
Disagreeing respectfully without being shamed or dismissed
Saying “I see that differently” or “I don’t want to discuss politics today”
Protecting your peace from people who constantly challenge or belittle your views
4. Time boundaries protect your schedule, energy and availability. Having healthy time boundaries help you manage your energy and prioritize what truly matters.
Examples:
Saying no to last minute plans when you’re already booked
Leaving work on time and not checking emails after hours
Blocking time for rest, hobbies or self-care
Saying “I can only stay for an hour” or “I’m not available on weekends”
5. Material Boundaries protect your possessions and financial resources. Having healthy boundaries ensures your belongings are used respectfully and not taken for granted.
Examples:
Not lending items (money, clothes, car) you’re not comfortable sharing
Setting clear rules around borrowing or returning things
Saying “I’m not in a place to contribute financially right now”
Locking your phone, laptop or personal space.
6. Conversational boundaries protect the topics you’re willing to discuss and how you expect to be spoken to. Having healthy conversational boundaries lets you engage in dialogue without sacrificing your values or comfort.
Examples:
Saying “I’m not comfortable talking about that”
Shutting down gossip, offensive jokes or intrusive questions
Redirecting or exiting conversations that feel toxic or inappropriate
What Boundary Work Looks Like In Therapy
Boundary work in therapy is a powerful and often transformative part of the healing process. Whether you’re learning to set boundaries for the first time or trying to repair from past trauma, therapy offers a safe space to unpack practice and internalize new ways of relating to yourself and others.
The first step is often just noticing where your boundaries are or aren’t. Your Bold Lotus Trauma Therapist will help you trace these feelings back to patterns, beliefs or past experiences that taught you to ignore your own needs. Boundary issues are often tied to childhood dynamics, trauma or cultural or societal expectations. While you are mapping out your patterns with your Bold Lotus Trauma Therapist you will also uncover how early relationships taught you to ignore your limits in order to feel loved, safe or accepted.
The next step will be to work with your Bold Lotus Trauma Therapist to define what healthy boundaries look like for you. There is no one size fits all model. Your therapist can help you define these boundaries that allow you to feel authentic, flexible and aligned with your values. Boundary setting often triggers uncomfortable emotions, especially if you’re used to being the caretaker, peacekeeper or fixer.
Therapy helps you:
Sit with the guilt without giving in to it
Build tolerance for disappointing others
Reframe boundary setting as an act of care not cruelty
You may practice boundary setting with your Bold Lotus Trauma Therapist through role play, which is incredibly valuable. This will give you a real-life arena to build confidence, assertiveness and communication skills. Boundary work isn’t just about others, it's about how you treat yourself. You will be able to explore where you are abandoning your own boundaries and forgive yourself when you mess up. You will begin to learn to honor your own feelings, needs and inner voice.
With therapy, overtime you’ll find your boundaries become less about defence and more about design, you’re actively shaping a life that feels safe, spacious and true to who you are.
You’re allowed to have limits.
You’re allowed to protect your space.
And most importantly, you don’t need to justify your boundaries to be worthy of having them. At Bold Lotus Trauma Therapy, we want to walk alongside you as you define your boundaries.
Q1: What is the main goal of setting boundaries?
A: Boundaries are not walls to keep people out; they are "bridges" that allow connection to happen with clarity, respect, and self-awareness. Their main role is to protect your peace and values and create space for healthier relationships, both with others and with yourself.
Q2: What are the six types of boundaries mentioned in the post, and what do they protect?
A: The post outlines six key types of boundaries:
Physical Boundaries: Protect your personal space, physical needs, and body.
Emotional Boundaries: Protect your feelings, emotional energy, and capacity for emotional labor.
Mental/Intellectual Boundaries: Protect your thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and ideas.
Time Boundaries: Protect your schedule, energy, and availability.
Material Boundaries: Protect your possessions and financial resources.
Conversational Boundaries: Protect the topics you are willing to discuss and how you expect to be spoken to.
Q3: What are some real-life examples of setting an emotional boundary?
A: Emotional boundary examples include:
Saying, "I’m not in the right headspace for this conversation right now."
Refusing to be blamed for someone else’s feelings.
Not tolerating emotional dumping or manipulation.
Taking space to process your own emotions before responding.
Q4: What does "boundary work" look like in therapy?
A: Boundary work in therapy is a transformative process that typically involves:
Noticing patterns: Tracing feelings of discomfort back to past experiences, beliefs, or trauma that taught you to ignore your needs.
Defining boundaries: Working with the therapist to define what healthy, authentic, and flexible boundaries look like specifically for you.
Processing emotions: Learning to sit with the guilt that often accompanies boundary setting and building tolerance for disappointing others.
Practice: Using tools like role-play with your therapist to build confidence and assertive communication skills.
Q5: Why is boundary setting so difficult, and how does therapy help with that discomfort?
A: Boundary setting is difficult because boundary issues are often tied to childhood dynamics, trauma, or cultural expectations that taught you to ignore your limits to feel loved, safe, or accepted. Therapy helps you:
Uncover these old patterns.
Build tolerance for disappointing others.
Reframe boundary setting as an act of care for yourself, not cruelty to others.
Learn to honor your own feelings and inner voice.
Q6: What is the ultimate takeaway about having boundaries?
A: The ultimate takeaway is: You are allowed to have limits, you are allowed to protect your space, and you do not need to justify your boundaries to be worthy of having them.
